marriage

It's common to know someone whose marriage is in trouble and to be unsure how to help. These 10 practical tips will help you get started helping others. by Mitch Temple Next Article in Series: Previous Article  Next Article  1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. Overview Marriage Mentoring Five Misconceptions About Mentoring What to Look for in a Mentor Ten Ways to Help a Friend's Struggling Marriage How to Help Couples in Marital Distress Next Steps / Related Information Do you wonder how you can help friends and family members who are struggling in marriage? Here are some time-tested tips and resources to move them away from divorce court and toward reconciliation.

1. Pray for them by name. Ask God to intervene in their marriage. Ask God to give you and others wisdom to know how to help. Pray in their presence as well as when alone. Send emails and note cards of encouragement. 2. Listen. Listening doesn't mean simply hearing. It involves empathizing, seeking to understand and expressing genuine interest.

3. Don't give advice. Your main job is listening. Leave the advice giving to a pastor, counselor or mentor.

4. Don't make the problem worse. Don't allow your support to be seen as an encouragement to give up or get a divorce. Your job is to help steer them toward the proper help and reconciliation (If addiction or abuse is involved, make sure they get the professional help they need and are safe).

5. Help them think outside the divorce box. Booklets such as When Your

Marriage Needs Help, Should I Get a Divorce, and Marriage and Conflict can give couples both research and practical advice to help them consider the facts about divorce and how to get the help they need for their marriage.

6. Help them find the right help. Locate a good, licensed Christian counselor in their area. Ask your pastor or Christian M.D. for a referral. Focus on the Family offers a free counseling consult as well as a free referral service to a Focus-screened marriage therapist.

7. Connect them with a mentor couple. If you are not qualified to help, call your pastor to recommend an older couple who is willing to mentor a younger couple.

8. Refer them to helpful Web sites. Web sites such as Pure Intimacy and FocusOnTheFamily.com offer hundreds of articles, practical advice and resource recommendations on various marriage issues.

9. Encourage them to work on their problems and not simply expect them to be solved on their own. Focus offers an online Marriage Checkup which measures over 18 major areas of marriage -- identifying both strengths and weaknesses. This is a good place for a couple to start in addition to working with a professional counselor.

10. Refer them to solid Christian-based books and seminars. Visit our Family Store for marriage books, broadcast CDs and resources to strengthen a

couple's faith through a difficult time. Key resources like Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved, Love and Respect, Love Must Be Tough, First Five Years of Marriage, Help! We are Drifting Apart, Breaking the Cycle of Divorce, Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage and others can provide needed encouragement and direction. Family is the fundamental building block of all human civilizations, and marriage is the foundation of the family. The institution of marriage is unquestionably good for individuals and society, and the health of our culture is intimately linked to the health and well-being of marriage. Unfortunately, the standard of lifelong, traditional marriage as the foundation of family life in our nation is under attack.

Battered by high rates of divorce and cohabitation, unwed child-bearing and the push for so-called same-sex \"marriage\" and civil unions, marriage is in a state of crisis. Recent cultural changes without historical precedent have influenced an increasing number of Americans to view this fundamental institution as optional, disposable and open to redefinition. In this context of marital decline, political and ideological battles rage between those who view marriage as a transient human invention – ready for updating and revision – and those who regard marriage as natural and fundamental to humanity – essential to a flourishing civilization.

When one considers the social structure of civilization, family is clearly the

foundational unit upon which church and government rest. Families are created and held together by the lifelong commitment of a man and a woman who live cooperatively and raise and nurture the children born to them. Families are the

building blocks essential to the formation of a community, and strong social structure arises from the foundation many families provide.

Not only is marriage vital to society, the benefits of marriage for individual adults and children are well-documented. In general, married people live longer, spend less time in the hospital, have higher incomes and enjoy greater emotional support. Children raised by their mother and father are less likely to live in poverty or drop out of school

and are more likely to finish college. They are also at lower risk for becoming sexually active in their teen years.

This beneficial, cohesive family unit, however, faces unprecedented challenges today, including divorce, cohabitation, out-of-wedlock births and fatherlessness – trends which contribute to lessened family, individual and community welfare. One study estimates that divorce and unwed childbearing alone cost U.S. taxpayers more than $112 billion a year. 1

Throughout history, male-female led families have constituted the primary family units of human society. Current attempts to mainstream same-sex couples and

multi-partner groupings include demands to redefine marriage with these alternative forms. In the United States, homosexual advocacy groups have succeeded in passing state laws that give same-sex couples the same access to marriage claims as

heterosexual couples – with or without the name \"marriage.\" On the heels of these actions, polygamists and polyamorists (proponents of group marriage) are also demanding recognition of their relationships as \"marriage.\"

The pursuit of health has become a cultural phenomenon. Diet, exercise, supplements, relaxation and medications have all been touted as the way to achieve health. It’s surprising, then, that one of the most powerful predictors of health and well-being remains largely ignored by the health and wellness community. For the last 35 years, family sociologists contributed to compelling research suggesting married people enjoy significantly greater health than the unmarried of every category.

University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite spent much of her career studying the effects of marriage on various demographics, leading to her book, The Case for

Marriage . She observed, ―The evidence from four decades of research is surprisingly clear: a good marriage is both men’s and women’s best bet for living a long and healthy life.‖1

The health benefits are so significant; in fact, one sociologist described them as being as \"large as the benefit from giving up smoking.\"2

The current body of research consistently finds married men and women are:

     

More likely to live longer

More likely to be physically healthier More likely to be mentally healthier More likely to be happier

Recover from illness quicker and more successfully

Generally, take better care of themselves and avoid risky behavior

Longevity

Many studies have shown that married adults have a greater likelihood of living longer than their unmarried counterparts.3 The association between marriage and decreased mortality has even been established in studies conducted in a wide variety of cultures.4

Additionally, UCLA Professor Robert Coombs found, ―Virtually every study of

mortality and marital status shows the unmarried of both sexes have higher death rates, whether by accident, disease, or self-inflicted wounds, and this is found in every country that maintains accurate health statistics.‖5

The reasons married people tend to live longer are not fully understood, but

researchers hypothesized that the benefit could a result of the economic advantages of marriage. However, they found no significant link between income level and probability of death.6 When it comes to extending life, marriage - not money - consistently predicts the benefit. Physical Health

Married people live longer because they are more likely to enjoy better physical

health. The various ways marriage protects the health of married adults run the gamut, ―The protective influence of marriage applies not only to more minor illnesses like colds, flu, and migraine headaches but also to serious health issues like cancer, heart disease, and heart attacks – as well as the need for any kind of surgery.‖7 Researchers studying marital health in seventeen different nations observed married persons are more likely to recognize symptoms, seek medical treatment, avoid risky behavior, recover quicker, and eat a healthier diet.8

One significant reason marriage has such strong health benefits is that spouses are intimately aware of and impacted by their spouse’s choices. In a sense, couples have a significant vested interest in watching out for one another and encouraging healthy choices and behavior.

Wives tend to discourage drinking, smoking, unnecessary risk-taking, and also improve their family’s diet.9 In fact, men actually decrease many self-destructive patterns up to a year before their actual wedding date.10 It seems even planning to get married improves a man’s health.

Another health benefit comes from emotional support. Researchers found emotional support from a spouse can help people recover from both minor and major illnesses and even help cope with chronic diseases.11 Some studies even suggest that marital relationships actually boost the immune system,12 making sickness less likely in the first place.

Mental Health and Happiness

Married men and women also have less likelihood of developing any form of mental illness. A 1991 study of the mental health in America found that married people have significantly lower rates of severe depression and at least half the likelihood of developing any psychiatric disorder then never-married, cohabiting and divorced people.13

These mental health benefits are a good reason for married couples considering divorce to work at staying together. Divorce and separation are associated with a much higher risk of mental illness—and most of all—depression.

In addition to mental health, married people are more likely to describe themselves as happy. Men in nations with higher rates of marriage are happier than men in nations with lower rates of marriage.14 Some researchers have compared the overall increased happiness experienced by the married to the boost experienced after receiving a $100,000 annual pay raise. Marriage, Not Cohabitation

The health benefits enjoyed by married people do not exist in other types of intimate relationships. Several studies have explored whether cohabiting couples or singles with close relationships enjoy similar health benefits to those enjoyed by married people. They do not. The mechanisms causing the increased likelihood of longevity and health are not shared by cohabiting couples.

Unlike marriage, cohabitation is negatively associated with both financial satisfaction and health.15 Several researchers have noted that cohabiters have poorer psychological well-being compared to married individuals, ―suggesting that the protection effects of marriage are not as applicable to cohabitation.‖16 Selection or Protection?

So why the benefit of marriage over other romantic and domestic relationships? Many in the research community have questioned whether marriage itself offers a health safeguard (protection) or whether healthy people are simply more likely to marry in the first place (selection). Can’t we just boil these findings down to people looking for and marrying healthy people in the first place? Not quite.

Glenn Stanton explains that married people benefit from ―social control,‖ or that regular advice to ―Eat your vegetables,‖ ―Get a good night’s sleep,‖ ―Don’t drive so fast,‖ and ―How many donuts have you eaten today?‖17 Children receive this guidance from their parents, but even adults benefit from regular motivation to make healthy choices. Many might call this ―nagging,‖ but Stanton suggests that this can play a key role in keeping us healthy. In fact, spouses have a power of persuasion toward healthier choices that not even one’s own mother can match.

Conclusion

The research is clear, diverse and consistent. Those who marry have a much higher likelihood of living longer, being healthier and being happier. These benefits are exclusive to marriage. For better or worse, married people tend to enjoy longer, healthier lives than those who never marry or dissolve their marriages. Anyone

interested or concerned about the health and well-being of themselves, their families and their neighbors cannot over-look marriage as a leading determinant. The

Christian’s command from Jesus to love our neighbors must recognize the importance of encouraging and supporting marriage as a personal and societal good. Finally, marriage and it’s health benefits should be recognized for the role in our nation’s important health care debate. Marriage matters in important and profound ways. Conventional wisdom says if you want to be richer, a useful thing to do is get married. Life is cheaper when there's only one mortgage to pay and someone else can do certain tasks — cooking, say, or car repair — more efficiently than you. Research by Ohio State University's Jay Zagorsky shows that married baby boomers increase wealth by an average 16% a year. Those who are single increase their net worth at half that rate.

Yet the economic benefit of marriage isn't what it used to be. In a chapter of a book just out from the Russell Sage Foundation, Changing Poverty, Changing Policies, two social scientists show that since 1969 the marriage premium has subsided. Maria Cancian, a professor of public affairs and social work at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, and Deborah Reed, director of research at Mathematica Policy Research, set out to study how the changing make-up of American families has affected the number of people below the poverty line. Considering how the rate of marriage has fallen and the rate of divorce has risen, the researchers expected the number of people living below the poverty line to grow by 2.6%. But when they looked at the data, poverty had increased by less than half that amount.来源：www.examda.com

Why? In a nutshell, because single women, even those with kids, have an easier time supporting themselves outside of marriage than they used to. More women are working, and, increasingly, for wages that are competitive with those of men. Women are having children later in life, and fewer of them. On top of that, a growing percentage of women who do have children but aren't married don't live on their own. In 1970, 62% of single mothers were the only adult in their household, but by 2006, just 55% were living without another means of support—thanks to more women cohabitating with a male partner or grandparent.

Now, that's not to say marriage doesn't coincide with significant economic benefits. As research by Zagorsky and others illustrates, it does. A child in a single-parent family, for instance, is five times as likely to live below the poverty line. What Cancian and Reed try to illustrate, though, is that replicating marriage wouldn't necessarily generate more per-person wealth. \"There are reasons some people don't get married—they don't have the same options,\" says Cancian. Marrying someone who is chronically unemployed, or incarcerated, might very well not be an economic

step up.

A better policy response, the researchers hold, is to address the variable that has been partly holding poverty at bay the past few decades—women in the workforce. Policies designed to make it easier for a person to have a job while rearing a child—flexible work schedules, on-site day care—could be a way to let unmarried individuals recapture some of the advantage of marriage. The issue is hardly fringe: last year, some 40% of children were born outside of marriage. \"We have to build a system where people can be both good workers and good parents,\" says Cancian.

Save Your Marriage

If you have problems in your marriage that are causing conflict, anger, and a sense of betrayal, learn how to fight fairly and handle conflict in a healthy way. You can save your marriage. Forgiveness, change, rebuilding trust and seeking help topics are also covered. 13.Communicate (200)

14.8)Don't Change Your Mate ( 15.Rebuild Trust (10)

16.Alternatives to Spying (11) 9. Forgive (11)

10.Encounter Weekends (21) 11.Marriage Counseling (4)

The Secret to Dealing With a Fork in the Road in Your Marriage You know you are facing a fork in the road in your marriage when you realize if the two of you don't make a decision to go one way or the other you will hit a brick wall. Sometimes you have a pretty good idea of where the paths lead. Other times you may feel as if you are leaping into a deep canyon without any idea of how far you have to jump.